i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
