he seriously made his penis a facebook.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
