So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
