you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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