When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
