I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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