I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
