Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
