In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
