the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
