Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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