its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
