The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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