No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
