I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
