I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
