If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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