never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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