i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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