This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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