there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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