I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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