Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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