I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
