Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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