had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
