i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
