Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
