so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I booty called her while she was in labor.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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