I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
