They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
