The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
