I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
