My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
