Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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