if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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