Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
