Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
