I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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