In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Pooping to opera.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
