I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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