It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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