I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies