I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.