the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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