either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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