she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
