Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
