So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
