I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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