College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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