It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
