Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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