I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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