I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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