I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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