The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
