I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
