I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
